Healing is not linear

I have been living some crazy last couple of months. Since turning 22 I have found myself single, unemployed, back at my parents, going through family changes and completely lost about the future. What have I learned in the last 8 months? HEALING IS NOT LINEAR.

2022 I had finished college. I finished my bachelor's degree. I got into one of the best creative agencies in Algarve.

I did my internship. I started working in a multinational while I was doing my internship, I was full of energy. I was working 14 to 16 hours days and I felt better than ever even though I was so tired. But I loved the energy, I loved the fulfilment and I loved what I was doing, not only at the agency, but I liked working at a multinational restaurant, for the people I met and the friendships that I made in those couple months and just the lifestyle of not stopping which I am such a fan of. I was physically abused at the multinational restaurant. The internship came to an end and I was let go from the agency without the sense of what the future was going to hold for me. I had decided while everything was still going on that I was going to stay where I was living and that I was not going to move back home.

Moving back home seemed like a step back, a huge step back that I did not make and I did not, I could not let myself proudly do that. So, I stayed where I was. My pride did take a hit when I had to ask my parents for money after I was unemployed and dealing with all the repercussions of being physically abused and when all that stress and fatigue from working 16-hour days finally hit me. I stayed for two months in bed doing nothing.  Depressed, anxious, tired and not feeling whatsoever happiness or fulfilment. No dreams whatsoever running through my heart or brain or veins. So that was the season of healing, and then finally got out of bed.

Start looking for a job. Got a job at a local restaurant. Just one of the best decisions ever. I had always wanted to work at a restaurant. I wanted to have that experience,  even if to know if I ever wanted to do that with my life, which the answer is no, but I would do it again. But I was there for about 3 months. It was a great experience. I loved again the colleagues, the friendships I made along the way, the experiences I had, get to know people and stories every day. I loved the routine, I loved the energy, all of that. I love the food that I got to eat there. And it was one of the best and saddest parts of my entire year, 2022. The saddest because I felt so alone. Because I had no real friends around me for most of that time. And my schedule was so bad I could barely go to church. I could barely come back home to be with my family. I spent New Year's completely alone.  It was one of the best parts and worst parts of the year.

 

2023 seemed like the best year ever.

2023 seemed from the beginning that it was going to be the best year ever. 

My life took a turn. I got a call from my old boss from the internship, and he told me they wanted me to come back. I gladly went and did an interview, and I just prayed to God that if that was the answer that I'd been praying for, He would let me know and that He would prepare the way the year and be in front of me right in the entire process.

So, I decided that 2023, was going to be the year of my internship the year I was going to get closer to God and that I was going to focus on three things: my relationship with God and what the future held for me spiritually, my romantic relationship and my career. Meanwhile, I had started a post-graduation in October 2022 that I saw going nowhere.

So, the internship started in March, and it would end in December. The year started amazingly, with all these news and opportunities.  But in March already my relationship took a bit of a turn that I was not expecting. I sensed something was coming, it was a bit of that sense that everything seemed so perfect, that something was surely about to happen. A conversation happened where we were so close to breaking up, but we decided we would have faith and keep pursuing one another and we did that for about 6        months. August came around – my internship was going amazingly, I was getting closer to my colleagues, I was making two friendships in my work and I was feeling better than nothing.

But then everything took a turn. That summer was the time of life that I felt the most alone. And that was crazy to me because I'm an only child so I was not scared, but sad when I found myself feeling lonely. I think it’s normal for us to have that feeling of loneliness, even throughout life, in different seasons. I entered a season of loneliness that then became a season of solitude.

It was crazy. I got hit pretty hard and then, and I could not for the life of me understand why I was feeling so lonely. And then I got it – I was still dealing with everything from 2022 – I thought that I had taken care of everything, and I had done my therapy and I had talked about it and I had told people that I was fine, everything was behind and I was healed. I was in fact, not healed.

It was also the time of the year that I got far from God which makes no sense because I was feeling so long. But it's true. My birthday was one of the loneliest days of the year, which is sad to go back to and remember it. But it's true and I can now confidently say that without feeling hurt or pain or anything like that. 

So September came around and my boyfriend and I broke up.  And then the different loneliness hit. But then it changed to something different, like solitude. I was finding myself not comfortable with loneliness, to stay comfortably in that state. I was entering a stage of solitude where I was finding happiness and being alone and living by myself, doing things that I liked and going back to stuff that I enjoyed and habits that had gone long lost. And then the agency warned me that they would not be keeping me and everything took an upside down turn. Just let you know a little bit more.

All the plans me and my ex had made were out the door and now, the new ones I was making and that I was invested in also went down the gutter. So right there and then I felt like the carpet was taken from under my feet. I spent about a month deciding on what I was going to do with my life, and I came to the conclusion of moving back home.  I was going to work at the company gracefully and give my best until the very end. I was going to be graceful ending that season and I was going to be grateful for everything that they had done for me and taught me. That was what I did as best as I could. And then the end of the year came, another move came. I moved twice in about a month and a half, and a new season of my family entered where I was left with pain, hurt and more feeling alone and just devastated.

 

And with all that I've learned in 2022 and 2023, with everything that happened in the last six months, is that HEALING IS NOT LINEAR.

It's not linear because life does not stop when you are hurt and need to heal. Life does not create a little capsule for you to heal in one moment. It's not science. It's not AI. It's not a cold plunge that just makes you wake up. It's not even writing your entire soul into a journal that is going to help you heal instantly, in a second, to feel better and then get back to life as if nothing bad has happened.

I have found that, and I've learned that healing happens when every single day you decide to get out of bed and do something you truly enjoy even if it's only 5 minutes of your day. Healing happens when you look after yourself, and do something that helps you. 

I have found that healing is choosing yourself daily and of course going to God, knowing that he's the one that can do miracles and that He is present, and can lead and guide you and not only bend and heal your heart in a moment, but help you heal.

I have come to an understanding that healing is present throughout our entire life because pain is present throughout life. I have come to an understanding that you cannot simply heal from something and be done with it, but you have to care for healing! And you have to love and care for yourself enough and not just hold on to pain and push it aside and push it inside putting it in a box and forgetting about it. Forgetting about it for as long as you can, will do no healing.

You do need to let yourself think and reminisce and hold on to memories and care for your old memories of times when you were hurt. If you don’t your present self is telling your future self that your past self is not worthy enough and that you do not need the time, the space, the mindset, the care and the love to heal. You're telling your future self, that you are not worthy enough to live without pain, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

Pain, sadly, will be forever part of life. But if healing is not in every part of life, then you're not living, you're simply surviving. The constant pain, hurt, loneliness and hits that life brings your way. I'm finding that pain and healing are like the ocean – you get hit and pushed down, but once you come up from under the sea, you can see life again, you have, even if it's just a little bit, hope.

You know what life is. You know what living is. So why won't you give yourself the time and the space for healing to happen? Why would you close yourself so much?

Would you leave the future not remembering who you were, all those memories that you cared so much for? How could you live not having those? How could you live keeping the pain and not memories? How could you be keeping up with the constant pain? How could you live keeping none of your soul? How could you live without the healing that you require to be happy and alive?