one last love letter

Will this one be the last one I write to you? 7 years ago, I never imagined or dreamed of all the has happened and where we are. Just a couple months ago I couldn't and didn't let myself think what I'm thinking right now.

And I'm sad because that is all I have right now.

I remember a boy who asked me to be his girlfriend looking at me with eyes full of love and a dream of a life together. But now I'm with a man who is killing our very own plan, the only one we ever made, with a few words like it means nothing, and then brushes it off.

I'm done when the love that it has is beyond cure.

This has got to be the last letter I have written to you. The one I sent to the ocean in a bottle letting the wind and sea take it to you. Oh, how far away did you go to be far away from me? Where are you hiding from us, from me? Are you also hiding from yourself? Oh, and how far did I have to come to cure all that my heart was feeling. Oh, how far did I have to travel, into the dreams I thought I had once lost all, to be able to cure some of the pain we caused me? Are you also curing all the pain we caused you?

I do miss you, dare I say. I do miss you by my side, but now that our love has flown away, the missing feeling has no reason to stay around, so it’s also flying away, with the hugs and kisses we never shared, with the laughs we will never have, with the plans and dreams crushed during all, with the poems and letters I never got to write you. I am sending them all away, they can’t stay rent-free in my brain for any longer, rent-free in my heart for any longer, longing around waiting for you to come back to me, when we both know that will never happen.

I still look for you whenever I am crossing a street, even knowing you are kilometers away. I still look for your eyes in the faces of the men I run up to, the curly hair in the heads walking around me, I still look for you, even knowing you are not here.

I still miss you. I will forever be missing you next to me. Because you deserve to be missed, our love deserves to be missed.

I still think of you when I see a sunrise and a sunset because you made me fall in love with them. Oh, why did you have to be linked to the sun? Was that a plan so I would never spend a day without thinking about you forever? I still think of you whenever sometimes good happens, whenever something bad happens, wishing I could share it with you. Oh, does that happen to you? Do you have something that reminds you of me constantly?

I still dream about you. I still dream about us falling asleep. But it doesn’t hurt anymore when I wake up knowing that the dream is not and will not be reality. But it doesn’t hurt anymore when I dream of the past, with the possibilities of what we could have lived.

I will forever miss you.

You deserve to be missed.

I deserve to miss being loved by you.

But I don’t want to live with the pain of not having you!