What I would tell you now

It’s been months already and life has really taken a turn, some parts for the better, some even for the worse. But if I could tell you something would be for sure that I am sorry. And I still am.

For the pain, I caused you and me, the tears that you had to cry and the ones I didn’t cry, the mess that we created in the last months, especially for the sorry’s I didn’t say and the words that were misspoken, the poems I stopped writing and the love letters I never gave you.

I am sorry that, by the end, I was too self-absorbed in my own pain and tears and didn’t really see you. I cried because I didn’t feel heard, I think you felt the same. I am sorry. I wanted more flowers, and you probably want more something as well. I am sorry that I wasn’t there when the worst came, and you felt alone. I am sorry that I had so much empathy for other people and didn’t save up enough for you, for us. I am sorry for how insensible I got in the end – it was the pain speaking, not me.

We needed to laugh together more. And hold hands just for it. And to hug each other when we cried. We needed to express love more and write more little letters again, just like the beginning. We needed to pretend to watch movies when truly we were just talking and laughing about random shit and each other’s crazy ideas and jokes. We needed to get back to those little, little details of daily life. I am sorry that we got lost, not even together, in life. We needed to find our way back to each other, we knew that but by the end of it, we didn’t have enough strength. Better yet, we didn’t give enough strength to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep looking for ways to love one another. And I am so sorry for that.

And I still dream of us. I don’t know if I still love you or if I still want you. I think I keep hurting myself. I am sorry for myself. But maybe, in my little broken heart, that I am putting back together piece by piece, there is still a glimpse of hope and love. I am sorry about that too. I am sorry there is still love but we do not share it.