When you
are in a committed relationship, might have a healthy one, the two lives start
to combine, and you start seeing the world and life through the other person's
eyes.
If by any
chance you end up apart, the few months after dealing with the pain and loss of
the breakup, you are also dealing with the change from not seeing life through
their eyes and again with yours.
You will
still find joy in the things they do too, you will still remember the things
they always pointed out and you will still think of them every time something
that they used to like/love happens.
For me,
that was the sky, specifically sunsets. When I started my daily walks at the
beginning of the year to get out of the house, it was always during sunset. Not
for any bigger reason besides being the best time for me to leave the house.
But I realised every time I looked at the sky, I thought of him. He is a big
sky lover. A great sunset watcher and lover. I would think about our sunset
dates and try to reminisce about them with love and not pain.
Day by day,
week after week, I started to notice that that moment was mine and only mine.
If by any chance that day, I did want to remember him and us, I would do it.
But it wasn't happening out of nowhere anymore which was both painful and
hopeful at the same time - painful because I could see the love leave with
every sunset and hopeful because every sunset reminded me of a new life, a new
season.
I still
think of him some days during my walks. It has become one of the only two times
a day I let myself reminisce and think of him. Because of my horrible memory,
some memories are just now coming back to me and I do take my time to think of
the relationship and analyse it. I am finding it healthy to remember and heal
one memory at a time.
It has been
a long process, that honestly I wasn't expecting, but now I do not have a time
limit for the healing. It was a 4-year-old relationship and it does require
much more time than people assume it would because the bad stuff doesn't just
delete the good memories.
After that
first "I am better off alone" because you are so focused on the bad
memories and present, once you are out of that phase you enter the "this
is better, but that was also good" and the worst is that you need to train
yourself to not compare those two seasons.
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